Poked by the "Plot Stick" (and an Out-of-Character Plea)

So...as those of you who were at the last Empire game (July 2015) or have read my last post will know, Lunetta's game got...interesting. Since the game, I have faced a lot of conflict and quandaries regarding the decisions that were made during the game, both my myself and by my character (this distinction is important) and thought that a post about such situations might do me some good!


Last game, I faced a difficult conflict of "What does Josée want to do?" and "What does Lunetta want to do?". The scenario was this:

Your character is being hunted down by magical creatures who want them to join them. In character, you know to do this would mean leaving all those you care about, all those who care about you, and possibly never returning. Out of character, you know that plot like this, especially plot specifically targeting your character, is very rare in such a large game (1500 people roughly, last game). You also know that it means it is incredibly likely that your character will be retired and you will need to begin afresh. You already have plans and machinations for another character.

What would you do?

For me, I mused over this situation for hours. I spoke with the player of the character closest to mine (Felix) and discussed the pros and cons of such actions. I sought out my OC partner and I spoke with him about the quandary I found myself in. I asked him about the backup characters we'd planned together and how he would feel if mine arrived on field possibly a long time before his.

And then, I had to reconcile things with my character. Anyone who has never played a character who literally takes on their own life in a field four times a year might find that a weird sentence. Lunetta, when on field, drives my actions, my words and my emotions. It is like handing yourself over to another person and saying "Look after me." I know my character so well now, after three years of playing her, that I know a lot about her motivations, her emotions and her thought processes. I also know that because I am horribly, horribly empathetic, I feel her pain almost more than I feel my own. This makes LARP an intense hobby for me.

I have learnt that each game, at least once, I will need to go out-of-character for a bit...and cry. This is no longer scary or worrying to me. I know it will happen, and I understand the reasoning for it. My character, when she is on that field, is like a person in herself, and so feels as clearly as I do when I'm walking around in my day-to-day life. The issue with this is that its like having two people's emotions in one person's body when I am LARPing. Josée, the player, has emotions but so does Lunetta, the character. Eventually, given the type of character I am playing, there will come a point where the two separate wells of emotion build up to more than I can physically handle. At this point, I usually find myself unconsciously wandering towards the out-of-character field, and saying, to any companions I'm with at that point, something like this:

"When I get OC, I am likely to start to cry for a bit. It's okay. Right now, I am so emotionally full with my character that I need to let that emotion out. Once it's out, I can go back to having just "Josée emotion" and I will be okay. Please don't worry; this is normal for me, and I will feel fine afterwards."

I usually, as I have written previously, play "for character". I ignore what I as a player want from the game, and focus on those five magic words: "What would my character do?" For the first time, I found myself not wanting to do that in this scenario. I found myself desperately wanting to grab on to the plot that the plot team had spent their time creating for me, and to run with it; see where it lead. I wanted to give other people something to latch on to and run with too. I also knew that I would effectively be driving my character to commit suicide. And this is where problems struck.

Much like me in reality, my character did not want to die. And I was aware that doing this would also impact a huge number of players and characters who had links with mine. I knew as her player that I would need to give my character a reason to make the decision I wanted her to, otherwise it would make no sense to other characters and would effectively render a lot of Lunetta's characterisation I had spent three years on, worthless. It is the only time I've ever found myself bargaining with my character...a very weird sensation. I felt a duty to make sure that any decision my character made reflected as kindly on her as I could. I think I was aware that the decision I was driving my character towards making was not in her best interests and was going to have a severe impact on the way people would respond to her when speaking of her once I came in as another character. I felt like I needed to give her a way of taking some kind of positive credit from this action, rather than just being seen as "Nope, she went crazy and did something unbelievably stupid."

The bargaining basically followed the lines of "If the magical beings find you when we are sat in a tavern drinking, off you go. (Because drink impairs wisdom). If not, then you're safe." It gave my character a clear way out, and a believable reason for choosing the course of action should it arise.

Luckily? Unluckily? We came across a character who had an even better reason for Lunetta to do the thing I wanted her to do; one which actually played to her characterisation rather than relying on a lack of wits to drive her to do it. It made the decision infinitely easier in character, as I no longer felt like the decision was entirely a product of my out-of-character wishes. It says a lot that in that moment, my character's emotions switched to those of determination and resignation. Rather than being "I'm doing this because out-of-character this is what I want" it became "I'm doing this because of my job, my family and my life [in character]."

She didn't die, much to my IC and OC disbelief. One thing I hadn't counted on was the agency of other players. I hadn't expected one character to alert another, nor for that character to take an almighty risk to save mine. (From discussion with their player after the game, I don't think they did either!) This has caused a large variety of results; almost universal shock from the characters she is close to, punishment and a feeling of being cast out from her group, a bonding together of a group of characters from a variety of nations my character hadn't previously really had much to do with, a tightening of the bonds between her and her husband and a decision to part ways with the nation they have resided in for their whole lives.

After the game, I received a variety of messages from people either involved in the plot or aware of the plot. Some of these were nice; messages of support for the character, or excitement for the direction in which the decision I made, and my character begrudgingly followed, was leading other characters. Even the messages saying "I don't know how to feel about this..." were warmly read. These messages I appreciated; even the ones where people were warning me that opinions and thoughts about my character from their character's perspective might have changed were nice to receive as there was still an understanding that I hadn't chosen this path to hurt or damage characters (aside from my own) or players. These messages highlighted the best of the LARP community; the people who understood that my main hope was for people to grab hold of this plot and go "Okay, let's see where this goes!"

Alas, I didn't just get messages like this. I also received messages that had no substance to them other than to call my character names or moan about the situation. These messages are unhelpful and do nothing but make me wonder why I decided to try the 'harder' road; why I decided to stick my (and my character's) neck out and risked chasing the plot. For every negative message I received, it made me second-guess two of the positive ones. It's sad. Especially as a lot of these messages were coming from friends of mine I had had for many years prior to even joining this game, let alone this one particular instance. From an out of character perspective, I am well and truly aware of the drama and trouble to come for my poor, longsuffering character (who is regretting having me for a player at the moment!). I know that things would have been far simpler had things gone 'to plan', but then art mirrors life in that regard; nothing ever quite turns out the way you think it will. I am glad to still have my character, but I am also feeling the mental drain that you feel when you are expecting some kind of doom to fall upon your shoulders; on my character's behalf.

Believe it or not, I feel guilty for placing my character into this situation. I went against everything I know (putting my character before me, regardless of circumstance) and risked stepping into that bizarre world of putting myself before my character, and it...semi-worked. Some of the intended results occurred, but many unexpected situations also arose. I, as a person, struggle with being an antagonist (and this is one of the reasons Lunetta is not an antagonistic character) and with confrontation. I feel that I know that next game is going to be full of confrontation and antagonism. I know that Lunetta as a character will weather it. Somehow, I have managed to build a character with more silent strength and conviction than I ever could hope to have. Lunetta will weather storms that would destroy me, I'm sure. However, I cannot say I have as much faith in her player. I think, and I hope I'm wrong, that next game, I, Lunetta's player, will struggle. A lot. And to have people already bearing down on me out of character for the decisions I took, when we have a month to go until this can be resolved in character on field, is not helping.

The player and the character, as much as they are intrinsically linked, are not the same person. Be angry/upset/bewildered/frustrated at my character as much as you like. She deserves some, at least, of what is coming to her. But please don't mistake that anger/upset/bewilderment/frustration for being owed to me. I am also coming to terms with the situation I have placed my character in. Save the big in-character blowouts for in-character time, please! I, Josée, will love you all the more for it. Right now, Josée needs love and understanding. The coming game is going to be hard, and I'm going to need all of my out-of-character friends to help bolster me to weather the storm.