[Josée's Note: Ceinwyn's struggles with Kindred life and the sheer magnitude of the task she is expected to achieve ("saving the world") begin to get to her, and she comes to a tragic conclusion. Apologies for the mild swearing!]
Alone on the Beach
On the beach, distraught and desolate, Ceinwyn soliloquises.
So this is it? This is what I've been reduced to? A grown woman crying in the middle of a deserted beach - a prime target for Hunters or those wishing me harm. Anyone who wanted to take me or kill me could do so right now and I wouldn't have a chance to resist, and nor would I try. I have nothing to look forward to and not even my dreams can now save me for a few hours from the nightmare I live.
I relied on Raphael to make things make sense...I relied on him to teach me the way of this stupid world, and now I find he may not be what he claims? He evaded every question I asked and I know nothing more about him than I did before. He was the one who sent me to find the first tear. He is the one who caused these stupid wings to grow and cause me all these problems...and yet I run to him when I need solace and a friend in the world, and he leaves me once again. Always. Perhaps I'm just a bad judge of monsters...and men.
The girl was forced into the Sanctified. She never wanted to be part of our covenant and her sire is in Norwich. She - understandably - doesn't trust Christopher, but she was hard pushed to trust me at all until I showed the stupid wings. She's also managed to get yet another caught up in the tangled web that happens to be the journey Angus, Christopher and I am on. I try to keep people away and then - when I do decide to try to protect my flock, even more decide to stick their oars in and get involved. Leo, the new miscreant in the group, hasn't spoken much to me - albeit because I was asleep (which turned out to be a stupid move) most of the time - and seems to be rather bullish when he wants to be. The Carthian with an inflated ego, Talon, has somehow found where we are - and I'm supposed to just put up with it. He hates me for what I did to Christopher, and I hate him for being an arrogant bastard, full of his own self-importance, and in love with one person and one person alone - himself.
I should never have made a deal with the Ordo Dracul. The girl didn't want to be rescued by us, and Iuda's torture is worse than anything I can imagine. He has taken my single respite from the world and turned it into a place worse than any I could have faced in nightmares. I should never have to defend my faith to a Heretic like HIM! Let alone shackled and at his mercy. There is no way he could hold the skull of Longinus and no way he could be as old as he is without someone deciding Final Death was the merciful way out. Is there? What he says can't be true...can it? Can it, my Lord? Do you even exist? Do you hear my prayers or are you just some figment of my imagination? Some...vestige of a vague past religion I never brought to realisation? Am I talking to myself and not to you? And if you are there...then why do I feel you have forsaken me? Why do I feel like I am truly alone, my Lord?
There is another Angel's Tear. And - of course - I have to be the one who discovers it. After all, "the world is counting on me"..."only I can stop Gehenna." Pah. I have no reason to believe these lies. I am merely some sort of...thing...gone wrong. If I were not around, Christopher could step into my boots and look after the others. He did so well at disobeying everything I asked him not to do. If I were certain it were my guidance that had caused the sudden growth of a backbone, I would be proud...but I don't believe that. He honestly believes I tried to mislead them; to "fight his fight" and play the martyr back in Cambridge. Well, fine. Let him think I did this all to spite him and the others. Let him believe that I wanted to be Iuda's puppet. Let him believe I don't give a damn about his safety, nor the safety of the others. Let him believe it. Let him believe it all.
I'm tired, my Lord. I am so tired. Iuda is right. I will always have to go back to sleep.
...Unless I'm unable to sleep. And unable to wake.
Final Death is my only option. Only then will people stop hunting for me, and the others will be safe. Only then can I prove that that first vision was nothing more than a weird nightmare. Only then can I escape Iuda. Only then can I be free of this wretched curse.
That's it.
Everyone dreams of redemption. Everyone dreams of being free...
To escape the Beast...you only have to die.
If I wait until sunrise...I can be free. I can escape. I never have to worry about anything again. I'll be safe.
...
But I can't. Not yet. I need to tie up a few loose ends. Then it will be my time, and I will be at peace.
I need to see the others.
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