[Josée's Note: Ceinwyn had been "gifted" a pair of angel wings, which to hide she had had to learn Obfuscate for. She once again turns to her God...this time, to explain herself.]
Not Waving, But Drowning
Ceinwyn explains to her God why she "sold her soul" to the Ordo Dracul
Well, my Lord...it's me. Eleri. As always.
You cleared up a lot of my concerns tonight, my Lord. Mainly by proving them to be true. I was right in that the World seems to believe that the wings mark me as one of Your Chosen. They have even begun calling me that...the "Chosen". But what have You chosen me for? Because if it's the heartache and pain You have shown me so far, my Lord...you can un-Choose me right now. I am not one to be ungrateful of Your Gifts, my Lord...but this has been no Gift. This has been my Curse from the start.
I met my Sire tonight, my Lord. In fact, I met him many nights ago as a gentleman, a man of the Sanctified. But it turns out he is just a snake in Kindred's clothing; a man who walks and talks as I do but with an agenda so confused it is driving him mad. My Lord...he asked me how many I had saved; how many I had brought into the light. And recently...I have failed You. Yet that is not the lowest I was to sink, my Lord. I can only hope my motives will redeem myself in Your eyes. I saw a Mage dead before me - one who had shown me great kindness when Your Gift first appeared. I know the Mages are not of the Sanctified's concern, my Lord, but how could I not go bear the news to those who had been so generous to me in my time of trial?
But he was not dead...he was stood right before my eyes. Is this like the resurrection of Christ, my Lord? A miracle before my very eyes? He knew nothing of the body nor of why it was there,,,but something concerned me, my Lord. He said he would "teach the Hunters the error of their ways" if they returned, but would not explain to me why he had not done so when they first reached the Cathedral. He knew of the Great Wyrm, which my sire was one of the followers of, and yet would tell me nothing.
As I left I met a man from Chicago. I did not know of him, and fearing he was a persecutor of the Sanctified, I...I posed as a Heathen...a Crone. I am sorry, my Lord, I would never have done such a thing had I known he was a friend, but to do Your duty I must be alive...yes? Or...alive until the time You have decided my immortal coil should end.
I went to Cambridge as I had heard that Christopher had been asked to return to his Chapter House. His brother...the...ex-hunter was right beneath me as I landed. Never before have I been so glad to have bound Christopher to me. He was in danger - I knew that almost from the moment Angus met me. But because of his pain we were able to find him. Our pain was excruciating, my Lord...I shudder to think of the pain jolting through his body if our blood sympathy picked it up so strongly. To walk in, behind Angus, and see him with his head being pierced by some Heretical nutcase was almost too much, my Lord. Why have You made me care so much for his welfare, my Lord? What part does he have to play in Your grand scheme?
There was a girl there too...one of the Sanctified. The fact the Heretics had chained her too and had similar plans for her almost made me feel physically sick, my Lord. How can they claim their ways and knowledge are superior when they themselves will mutilate and destroy those unlucky enough to be considered "experiments" or "research". We are predators and monsters, yes...but we are only those to the Kine. We shepherd them into Your light, my Lord...not destroy our own kind "for science". If this is "science"...then "science" is beyond monstrous. "Science" is demonic and hellish. We are not demons or devils...we don't kill our own unless there is no other alternative. It is vile and anathema to Kindred society. We are better than that. We are so much better than that.
Angus got into a gunfight while I went to release Christopher. Things started going wrong at that point. The man who had been destroying Christopher's skull grabbed me...and was able to see my wings. The battle stopped and he released Christopher into my care...but that wasn't good enough, my Lord. He had one of Your flock; one of the Sanctified still chained in that torturous hell. My Lord...what should I have done? Should I have left her to the hands of that barbaric Heathen? He wasn't willing to give her up, and threatened to put me to Final Death if I didn't refrain from that course of action. The two men began brawling with the other Heretics. I think Christopher had been trying to aid the girl, which was unusual, given his allegiance to the Heretics...however, they had stripped him of his status...so I suppose he had no reason to work alongside them, my Lord.
I did something which I think I will live to regret, my Lord. I could see how important the head of the group of barbarians thought I was, and he knew of me, or at least the title of "Chosen". I...
I bargained with him. Please don't think I wanted to, my Lord. It was the only way I could see of saving the poor girl. I had to offer him something more valuable, more treasured, more...rare than she was. And I knew that I was about as rare as rare could be.
He couldn't believe I was willing to give myself to them for..."research". I hang my head in shame, my Lord and I know how damned I will be for letting a Heretic do anything to me. He let her go, my Lord. He let her go in return for me. I saved one of our Flock, my Lord, surely that must count for something? I am an Inquisitor...my job is to find and change Heretics...but what if that job isn't the right one for me? What if being there protecting the Flock from the wolves of the other covenants is where I belong? I saved her, my Lord. I saved her from those barbarians. If my life is to be forfeit, then that is the way it must be. Angels in history are said to have been there at the point of death as a source of comfort and guidance to the dead. Angels are bringers of hope and of love. Angels are protectors, are carers and are there when life is hard and trouble is all around. Surely this is my calling in my unlife? To be proof that angels exist, for all the right reasons, even to those who are seen to be forsaken by You?
Iuda, the man who had accepted my bargain, waited for Angus to lead Christopher and the girl away. Angus promised me he'd sort things out, and I pray You'll forgive him for his past because of that. He tried to protect me, my Lord. He tried to keep me safe. Christopher looked at me almost as if I'd betrayed him. I...I can't explain what that felt like. Surely he understood why I did what I did? He can't have thought that that was what I'd wanted?
Once they had gone, I felt very alone, my Lord. Were You there? Were You with me when I felt as though I was a convict, sentenced to death? Did You feel my heart pounding or my hands shaking? I could do nothing but look at the ground. I asked plainly where he wanted me. I knew I was just another slab of meat, just one with additional feathers. It took me by surprise when he took my shoulders in his hands. I stood with my eyes fixed to the ground. I couldn't help but feel as if all control of the situation I had once held had been snatched away by this man. He told me to leave and kissed my cheek. My Lord, is that how the kiss of Judas felt to Christ? Hollow and cold, but with so much hidden meaning?
And now I am left to await the call, at any time or place on any date. I have Christopher and the unknown Sanctified to protect, and I have the knowledge that one day I will be called to pay my debt. And right or wrong, my Lord...I will go. I only got to protect the girl because of my deal...and I don't want to lose her because I renege. I may be a vampire...but I still have morals. And I know what I have put at risk tonight. But I can't - I'm sorry, my Lord - regret what I did. I may now be doubly marked...but I saved a young woman's life today because of what I've risked.
All I can do is hope I have proved myself to you, and that Christopher and the unknown Sanctified will one day prove that I was right to lay myself on the line to protect them.
Eleri.
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